***WARNING***
this is long and heavy but something that I felt I needed to write about and If you are only going to read one thing read this blog post because it is put much better then mine.
Over the last 6 weeks I have countless times complained to anyone who would listen about how unhappy I am with my body. Everyone kindly pointed out that I had just had a baby, but I was consumed with how unattractive my body looks after carrying such a big baby in fact I wont even dress or undress in the same room as Brett because I am am ashamed of how I look. With Presley I delivered her under my pre-pregnancy weight and I bounced back so quickly. With all of my other kids I wasn't very big, I stayed in my own clothes the whole pregnancy and that was the one thing I felt was great about me, because Ive never felt pretty. It sounds stupid but I felt like my husband could be "proud" of me like it was actually in my control to stay cute and small while I'm pregnant. But with with this last baby I got huge I weighed the most Ive ever weighed and the stretch marks just kept spreading. And 3 days after having Ryker It has been all I have thought about. I have been looking for weight loss plans, stretch mark creams anything that might help. Then about a week ago I read this post. It made me ashamed that I had been spending all of my time consumed with my physical appearance. I am very grateful that I can have babies, that my body carries them full term and provides all their nourishment despite how much I throw up while Im pregnant.I am not there by a long shot but I want to be in a place where I love my body- stretch marks, saggy boobs, love handles and all!
Then on Saturday I sat down to check my email and I had an email from my dad with a link to this blog. It hit home in a HUGE way. I sat and cried as I read this post and I am not a crier. I don't cry in movies, I don't cry when people have babies or when I have babies for that matter. I have never told anyone that because I feel deep down maybe that means I don't love my kids as much as the next person loves theirs. Then I've judged my husband for not crying like other peoples husbands when they met their babies for the first time. Talk about a being consumed with Perfection, I didn't want him crying for me I wanted him to cry because thats what you are "supposed" to do when you have a baby. Then as I was reading the blog post I was distracted by an argument with Brinley my 4 yr old over what she was wearing today... these were the words that came out of my mouth " we are going to a baby shower today so you are wearing what I want you to wear." Why should it matter if she picked out her own clothes? Because someone might think less of me if my kids don't look "perfect".
I never saw myself as one that was caught up in appearing perfect. But It has affected me more than I realized and reading that blog was a huge eye opener- I don't want to raise my children to be people who think they have to appear perfect or who feel scared to approach me when they have a problem or an addiction. I don't want others to think that I think i'm perfect or am even trying to be. In fact recently I have had people say wow! you are rockin' the 3 kids! I cant believe how amazing you are handling it. I am grateful for the complement But in all honestly I don't believe its anything I've done. It has only been easy because Ryker is such an easy baby who sleeps a lot and is content to just hang out with us. It has nothing to do with my skills under pressure or at managing a household or my amazing mothering skills because in all those areas I am seriously lacking. I compare myself regularly to others around me and feel inadequate on a daily basis as a a wife and mother because of it. So I tell you this because I don't want anyone to compare themselves to me because I don't have it all together- this weekend was the first time that things got hard with Ryker and I wanted to run out and buy a pack of smokes in fact I made Brett bring them home for me- It still is sitting on my nightstand but the point is and let me say it again- the FIRST time things got hard with him. Not after days of struggling with a crying baby did I wanted to turn to the crutch that I used for many years of my life but at the first sign of difficulty and to be totally honest the reason it is still sitting on my nightstand is because heaven forbid my neighbor or someone see me smoking it and think I'm not a "perfect" mormon, or a mom who cant handle stress. I know that I am not perfect and I don't want to appear that way but there is still that little infection inside that grabs hold sometimes and I unconsciously give into the need to appear "perfect";
I am no where near as patient as I should be or want to be. I want to be a better mom and wife for my family. Not so that I seem perfect and I think that is the difference between being Infected with Perfection and just wanting the best for you and the ones you love.
I am no where near as patient as I should be or want to be. I want to be a better mom and wife for my family. Not so that I seem perfect and I think that is the difference between being Infected with Perfection and just wanting the best for you and the ones you love.
I enjoy a clean house- I don't enjoy the time and energy it takes to keep it clean but I enjoy going to bed at night knowing that everything is picked up and the calm peaceful feeling in brings to my home.But why is it that we as homemakers are judged on the appearance of our homes or why do we feel the need to quickly pick up the house before someone comes over because heaven forbid someone see your house not in perfect condition, we live in these homes people our kids play in them eat in them bathe in them they aren't always clean so why do we have to have the appearance that they are.
I enjoy the feeling of staying calm and not yelling at my kids when they are acting up. It feels good to know I handled things the best way I could. but often I do yell more than I want to and then judge the mom at the store who yells at her kids in public instead of appearing perfect and then yell at them behind closed doors.
I enjoy letting people know of things that have helped me be a better person and made my life as mom and wife easier so that they to can have the knowledge that I have.
So I guess that is one reason why I wrote this. I want everyone to know that I am not perfect and I don't want to be- I want to be real and have friends and family members around me that are real so we can help each other get through the hard times, laugh at the great times and share things that have helped us be better and made things just a little easier.
So I guess that is one reason why I wrote this. I want everyone to know that I am not perfect and I don't want to be- I want to be real and have friends and family members around me that are real so we can help each other get through the hard times, laugh at the great times and share things that have helped us be better and made things just a little easier.
This post isn't a well written or a creatively written post because I am not a great writer but I hope that It has given you something to think about and made something inside you want to be more real for you and the ones you love so we don't have to look back and wonder what would have been if we had.
*** just one more thought to think about. why is it we for the most part accept imperfections in others but not in ourselves and often not in our spouses either.***
*** just one more thought to think about. why is it we for the most part accept imperfections in others but not in ourselves and often not in our spouses either.***
7 comments:
This is great - and I think more people need to be okay with sharing this type of stuff! I read that blog that dad sent to us a while ago but I think it's one that needs to be read more often. Cuz I feel like I have had these little "epiphanies" a few different times in my life where I think "yah! I don't need to be perfect and neither does anyone else around me!" but the fact that our WHOLE society is obsessed with this makes it so hard to keep this way of thinking. So i'm glad you wrote this down - because it will be such a great reminder to everyone to re-evaulate the way they are thinking.
and I agree with what you said about kids - it makes me sad sometimes the way i think when i see cute outfits and i want other people to see Hadley in them to think she is cute. The only thing that makes me feel less guilty about it is the fact that she is too young to understand any of that. I NEVER want her thinking she isn't good enough because of something she is wearing... I just hope I can make that happen...
After reading what you wrote I think I am infected with perfection as well. I never leave the house with Abagale unless her hair is just right and her clothes are spotless. I know how you feel about your body too. I've almost given up on myself since having Abby because I feel like even if I were extremely skinny I would still have deep stretch marks that will never go away. But one thing I have realized is that no matter how ugly I feel my daughter and husband never forget to tell me I'm pretty or beautiful. I hear it at least once a day. As long as you are comfortable with yourself.. That's all that matters. The opinions of others don't because at the end of the day the only people that you are surrounded by is your loved ones and they will love you unconditionally. And so will your true friends. Regardless of your imperfections. You are a great mother.. You know that.. So does everyone else. Stop trying to prove yourself because there's no need. It's obvious. Your children and husband love you to pieces. And so do we.
I almost could have written this post. Since having Asher I haven't felt good about myself at all. I haven't been happy with my body. I haven't been happy with how I've treated my family. I've felt like a bad mom most days. I still feel like I need to look perfect and act perfect and do everything for everybody and still keep the house clean and dinner on the table.
My uncle said something recently that really stuck with me.
He said, "What others think of me is none of none of my business."
I really wish it were that easy to not care what others were thinking of me, but it's given me something to think about.
I really appreciated that you linked that Perfection article to facebook. It was exactly what I needed exactly when I needed it. I have been wanting some *honesty* (I even wrote about it on my blog a while back).
And I am so grateful that you wrote your blog and shared it. Thank you!!
I think we all especially woman want to appear perfect to our friends, family and even strangers. I'm glad you shared this. I'm proud to say I am not perfect and I don't want to be either :)
Wanting to better ourselves whether it's physical, or spiritual I think is normal even healthy, i guess it's when it consumes you and you are doing it to please others instead of being happy with who you are is that where it becomes a problem.
By the way you are rocking the 3 kid thing! It's okay to take a compliment Kira :) 2 kids is hard 3 kids is obviously even harder! Your a great Mom! It's good to pat yourself on the back or give yourself a high five once in awhile! You deserve it!!
Good for you Kira!
This is a great post. I can say I definitely feel the fear of not being perfect sometimes. Its weird how its so connected to parenthood for me. I have to remind myself a lot that no one has all the answers and I'm doing the best I can, even if that "best" shifts from day to day.
In regards to your final thought. I think we are just naturally harder on ourselves because our minds can be our own worst enemy. No one is around you as much as you. Further more I think when you live with someone like your spouse there is such a familiarity there than we sometimes stop looking at each other as individuals and just project our own feeling onto the other person as if they were theirs. I think if you can find something you don't like about someone else it might be cause by the fear of doing or being it yourself.
Its a powerful think to just let go sometimes and make life easier on yourself just because you can. Since your a Pisces like me I will tell you something that I try to keep in mind. We are two fish, one swimming upstream against the current and one swimming downstream with the current. I try not to fight myself and be that second easy going fish :)
I love this post! You are amazing. I did not cry when Linkin was born either.. I was too happy to cry.. Lol.. and I actually normally cry over EvErYtHiNg!!
Titan likes to pick out his own clothes also and he has these bright red huge snow boots he wore EVERYWHERE for a while..(he's over them now..) but that just made me think of it. I used to try to get him to wear other shoes and he always put up a fight, I finally just decided that- whatever!- I care more about him and if he is happy then what some other person thinks about us. If he wants to wear those red boots everywhere then Im happy for him haha oh and he wore gloves everywhere for a few days last SUMMER.(they were his iron man gloves he said, really they were full on red snow gloves ) or he wanted to wear his 'comfy pants' aka- sweats with a hole in the knee..gotta love it ;) and Linkin likes to wear nothing at all :) keeping shoes on that boy.. LOL NOT HAPPENING. I am the Mom with no shoes on her kid.. not because he does not have shoes.. but because he WILL NOT wear them. and the second we get home his pants come off and he runs around the house in his diaper.. oh well. he's a free spirit;)
..I am way self concious about my stretch marks also.. I just love everything about this post.. thank you so much for doing it. Kira, your family is BEAUTIFUL and so are YOU. Your kids are all so lucky to have you for a Mommy!! You have helped me more in my life then I think you even know.. Thank You for being there for me at a time when I felt like I was alone..
I still look up to you and I know you are a great Mother and Wife...
we ALL struggle with comparing.. some more than others but NOBODY is Perfect.. until you fall in love with them. When you are so in love with somebody..(like your kids or husband) everything about them is 'perfect' You would not want to change anything on them.. it would just ruin them.. That is how your kids and husband think of you.. When you love someone they are perfect.. ( at least that is what I think..)
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